Parenting as a path to personal transformation

Our oldest daughter, Madison, was accepted into her first-choice veterinary school, which is an incredible accomplishment and the culmination of many years of hard work. She is a shining example to me of what it means to pursue your dream. Reflecting upon this milestone I am struck by how raising her, and my other children deeply changed me and fueled my own transformation. 

When Madison started school she struggled. I was so concerned that something could be ‘wrong’ with my sweet girl. We finally had her evaluated in third grade and while her intelligence was off the charts she was also diagnosed with dyslexia and dysgraphia. I felt as if the rug had been pulled out from underneath me. I was scared and worried. I saw how hard reading and writing was for her and I couldn’t see how she was going to be successful at school. I had fear and concern around her being different, the challenges she would face. How would this diagnosis prevent her from reaching her dreams?

What I see now, that I couldn’t see then, is that all that fear and worry was all about me and my experience. I had built my identity around being a good student. When I excelled at school I felt recognition, a feeling of success and approval by others. This became part of my identity, part of who I thought I was. And it was a strong belief of mine that success in life correlated with success in school. I misguidedly associated belonging and acceptance with achievement and I couldn’t see in my limited mind how Madison would have this.

Having a diagnosis in place was a blessing because we got her the support she needed. We started 1:1 tutoring and put accommodations in place which were hugely beneficial. What wasn’t supportive was me stepping in to try to ‘help’ her. I worked hard at beautifying her poster boards, worked with her on math and don’t even get me started on the spelling tests. Many nights both of us were in tears.

I was not helping her, I was crushing her little soul because she felt the immense pressure of my expectations. Looking back I have compassion for that woman I was, I honestly was doing the best I knew how, and it was out of love, but it is so clear to me now that I was misguided. As parents, we need to be very careful of how we help our kids because that help can feel to them that we lack confidence in their own capabilities. They also may have a better way of doing something that is more effective, but we shut down their natural creativity with our limited mindset.

In 5th grade, we found a school that while rigorous also talked about educating the whole child, they openly accepted and celebrated neurodiversity. Instead of seeing dyslexia, ADHD, autism as a bar to entry, they talked about how the diversity of learning styles can enhance a community. Foundational educational practices that would benefit dyslexic students could in fact benefit all. They insisted that the most important skill for any student to develop is self-advocacy. This was even more crucial for a neurodiverse child who would always have to ask for what they needed in a neurotypical world.

Finding what felt like a safe space for Madison and shifting the lens through which I saw her dyslexia, allowed me to let go. I stopped ‘helping’ and she took the lead in her learning which funny enough turned out much better for her. She excelled. She decided she wanted to be a vet in about 5th grade and this motivated her all the way through. She has been an incredible academic success, but this is not her identity. She knows herself and is solid in that. She knows her needs and boundaries and communicates them clearly. She loves animals and being outside. She approaches all that she does with a grit and determination that I admire. She is the most grounded and consistent person I know.

Being her mother has awakened insights and joys I had never known before. I see how my perfectionism is actually a handicap, I see what it means to know yourself, I see how hard work can be a much greater asset than having things come easy and that through clarity of vision and determination anything is possible. I’ve come to learn that my worth is not tied to being a ‘good student’ but showing up in my strengths, being vulnerable and connecting deeply with others. 

Way back when I was in college I heard this song called On Children sung by Sweet Honey in the Rock and even back then I heard the truth in its words. It is based on the poem below. Each time I listen to the song it brings tears to my eyes. 

On Children, Kahil Gibran

Your children are not your children

They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.