The Paddle Boarding Incident

My destination was right there, but I wasn’t moving. I could clearly see my home for the weekend, a log cabin on a pristine PNW lake. I had set out 45 minutes before on my paddleboard to get some space. My husband and I were on a solo weekend but had spent the whole morning arguing. I needed to reset. I love the calming meditative quality of paddleboarding. Standing on the water as you rhythmically dip your paddle into the water, left, right, left, right. I had steadily made my way around an island and back up towards home, but the wind had kicked up impeding my progress. I started paddling furiously but was overpowered by the wind and waves. I felt totally out of control and fear started to creep in. 

I am a recovering control freak. I come from a long line of them. But this need to control extends beyond my personal legacy. It is a cultural phenomenon, built on the lie that If we work hard enough, do all the right things, keep hustling to stay in line we will be able to ensure the safety and happiness of ourselves and our loved ones. Yet, deep inside we know the truth, and this gap keeps us in constant anxiety. The human experience is fraught with vulnerability, which is where the magic can be if we surrender our need to control and learn to trust. 

At the time of the paddleboard incident, I was a hot mess after being laid off from a company I loved. The summer before, I had returned from vacation to find out there was a new marketing leader, who I had vehemently argued against hiring, and my program manager role had been eliminated. I was asked/told to take on a new role that was in no way in alignment with my skills or interests. I felt I had no choice but to accept. After nine months of hell, my boss and I took each other out in dramatic acts of mutual destruction. Not only was I unemployed, but I was also devastated.  I had to leave a team that had been like family to me. I felt victimized. My confidence was shot. I now spent my days endlessly scanning job boards for digital marketing roles where my competition was digital natives closer to my daughter’s ages than mine. It all felt hopeless.

As I stood on that paddleboard fighting the wind and the waves to get home all the emotions of the previous months boiled up. I became increasingly frantic. In my mind I yelled at my husband, I yelled at myself, I railed at the wind and the waves for getting in my way. I wasn’t really in danger, but a knot of terror rose in my stomach as experienced the overwhelming lack of control and not knowing how to ‘fix it. I exhausted myself and needed to pause for a minute and at that moment I heard that quiet voice from deep within.

Let go. 

Surrender.

Trust.

So I did. The paddleboard swung around violently and I flew down the lake, enjoying the freedom and force of the water and wind pushing me. As I approached the island my momentum allowed me to easily maneuver the board around the southern tip skidding across the surface observing the large rocks and fish below me. I paddled up the leeward side of the island protected. In the silence, I heard hundreds of birds singing to me from the shores. I was grounded. My feet firmly on the board, the board easily holding me over the water quietly skimming the surface. I felt spirit holding me in her embrace. I was safe, I was guided. It was divine grace. 

This experience is a touchstone for what is possible if I choose to trust in life instead of control it. Magic happens. I can’t explain it, but I know it to be true. When I am deeply connected to myself, when I can hear the callings of my heart, when I trust the answer and path will be provided when I need it, it does. The journey may not look like I expected, it probably is not on my timeframe, there will be waves and wind along the way, but if I hold my vision and remain in guided action I manifest what I want.

After the paddleboard incident, I shifted my job search strategy. I spent more hours connecting to myself through yoga, meditation, being in nature than I did scrolling job boards. From this inside-out place a was able to create a new vision for what exactly I wanted in a new job. I wrote it out in my journal. I leaned into strength for connecting with others and started having informational interviews. I met amazing, smart, heart-centered women who were willing to mentor and help connect me to others. I started coaching again. Then one day I was scrolling through LinkedIn and I saw a post from a woman with who I had a 15 minute informational 6 months before. She had started a new job and was hiring. I reached out. We had coffee. The job was mine.